Day Six: I Miss…
I miss the faces and comfort of friends and relatives and animals I’ve lost along the way. Life is so precious and I miss the moments we shared but am eternally grateful for all of the memories.
I miss the beach. I miss being able to walk a mile to the shore and collect shells and sharks’ teeth anytime I wanted. I miss the smell of the air and feel of the sand. I miss the crispy salty hair and the sound of the waves crashing and the seagulls overhead.
I miss making mixtapes on cassettes and sitting at the radio until the perfect song came on and hitting the record button. I miss blond hair that I didn’t bleach. I miss the sound the creaky swings at the playground up the street.
I miss being best friends in a nonstop pinball competition and playing different machines around town. I miss making you take out ear plugs at shows because I’m so soft spoken. I miss somehow ending my night on the couch watching movies no matter what the night had entailed. I miss falling asleep late after swearing we were gonna go to bed at midnight, and still trying to wake up early because I love crazy morning hair and talking about dreams. I miss hanging cigarettes out of the window with you. I miss when I tried to make you be vegan for a month and how badly that went. I miss the snake we had, and the time we lost her in the back yard. I miss your old apartment, and trying to get on the roof a few times. I miss how we both freaked out when we tried to stop smoking cigarettes, and when we made that bet. I miss being really nervous because you always find a way to cut / scrape / smash / fall / bruise something after drinking. I miss you asking me to play songs on guitar almost every day. I miss the night when you said the L word for the first time, and I acted like I didn’t hear you because it caught me so off guard to suddenly realize that I loved you back. I miss trying to stay awake through bad horror movies. I miss writing composition journals to each other when you were out of town. I never gave you the one I made last time and I think yours is probably still in your bedroom floor.
That’s where I last saw it, anyway.
I miss the part
when we were
Miss the mystery
of your red
Would weave fictions
around your silent
I imagined your voice
in the Before
saying my name
Feeling it soft,
on a tongue subtle
like herbal tea.
And I just knew
the you that’s you
would like tea,
And used bookstores,
and sunlight on closed
And the flowers
in the median
Or the me
in the Before
with coffee teeth
Who might like
people who like flowers
in the median.
Of course what I miss most in my life are the people I have loved and lost. They have died, and I will never stop missing them. Ever. My grandparents, my parents, my aunts and uncles, and beloved friends. As I age, I now know that we never stop missing our loved ones., and the most difficult times are holidays, anniversaries, special events, and birthdays. Those empty chairs at the table are constant reminders.
Now, as an older, more mature, and earthy woman, I have had my share of other losses. There are many things I miss:
My 5′ 6″ frame. Shrinking is real.
My 21″ waist. Where did it go?
My un-sun-damaged skin. Wish I had stayed out of the sun as a youngster.
My thick, auburn hair. Covering my gray is not the same thing, no matter how good it looks .No hair color can capture what Mother Nature did.
My ability to sleep anywhere, no matter the temperature, the pillow, the mattress, or the light exposure. A good night’s sleep is a true gift, and all the components must be in place to achieve it. And, of course, having to pee all night doesn’t help.
My youthful collagen in my face. What happened to my full cheeks and lips?
My white teeth. Trying to bleach them, but it just isn’t the same.
My ability to run up and down the attic stairs, carrying boxes. Terrified of falling now
My period. Yes, I miss my period.
Learning to cope with losses and all that we miss is a challenge, but a doable one. There is no alternative but to move on.
I miss wanting things.
Wanting things with a fury.
To drown in pure want.
Life has been going so well;
I have everything I want.
Good job. I enjoy it.
It provides for all of my needs
and many of my simple wants.
Good boyfriend who’s moved to be with me.
And, after months of wanting each other hours away,
we’ve got a nice domestic rhythm.
We’re healthy, we exercise.
I drink tea and do yoga.
I am relaxed and centered.
Nothing to be worried about.
Nothing to be anxiety ridden about.
Because everything is going so damn well.
It’s not that I don’t want these things.
To be relaxed and comfortable unfamiliar.
But I do miss wanting.
I miss the experience of desperate need.
Of gnawing your fingers raw
Staying up all night, tossing and turning and churning.
A manic energy exists with want,
real want, pure want.
I want that.